Texts From Last Night · nleminous05's Favorites

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(904): View more from Florida

I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.

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(314): View more from Missouri

This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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(520): View more from Arizona

U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(613): View more from Ontario

Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(815): View more from Illinois

Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !

(779): View more from Illinois

You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(231): View more from Michigan

We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(602): View more from Arizona

I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(253): View more from Washington

I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it

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(587): View more from Alberta

You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(260): View more from Indiana

i just snorted my name. best moment ever

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(415): View more from California

So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...

(1-415): View more from California

So no fakes?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(850): View more from Florida

it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(256): View more from Alabama

She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

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(702): View more from Nevada

There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(253): View more from Washington

We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight

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(847): View more from Illinois

stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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(254): View more from Texas

I have a surprise for you

(1-254): View more from Texas

Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(562): View more from California

I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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