Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.