Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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