The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm passing your future prison.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking