I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
its not stalking. its research.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.