I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down