my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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