take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
In America we eat man semen.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.