Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"