Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.