I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy