Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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