Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.