Texts From Last Night

CessnaDriver's Favorites Texts:

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  (904): View more from Florida

  Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra

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  (904): Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra http://tfl.nu/1ma3
  Replies (8) Good night (308) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...

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  (413): Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs... http://tfl.nu/m2io
  Replies (11) Good night (1105) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..

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  (828): btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits.. http://tfl.nu/2wvn
  Replies (10) Good night (218) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon

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  (219): Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon http://tfl.nu/lp84
  Replies (7) Good night (1007) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper

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  (704): I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper http://tfl.nu/u2a8
  Replies (12) Good night (855) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.

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  (719): I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right. http://tfl.nu/asg0
  Replies (8) Good night (1088) Bad night (238) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.

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  (785): Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want. http://tfl.nu/2jiy
  Replies (3) Good night (735) Bad night (157)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.

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  (541): I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend. http://tfl.nu/dn5d
  Replies (6) Good night (1116) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

  (214): View more from Texas

  SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

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  (214): MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME. (214): SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME. http://tfl.nu/sfja
  Replies (12) Good night (985) Bad night (259)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  I thank god almighty everyday

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  (918): We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas (1-918): I thank god almighty everyday http://tfl.nu/mbi3
  Replies (18) Good night (1185) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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  (562): It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which. http://tfl.nu/ynpd
  Replies (10) Good night (1059) Bad night (138) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it

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  (701): He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it http://tfl.nu/1dio
  Replies (5) Good night (242) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?

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  (570): You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award? http://tfl.nu/wwxx
  Replies (9) Good night (747) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it

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  (631): She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it http://tfl.nu/e6sn
  Replies (11) Good night (281) Bad night (1323) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.

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  (601): In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school. http://tfl.nu/n19e
  Replies (10) Good night (1021) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.

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  (970): Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon. http://tfl.nu/bx6h
  Replies (5) Good night (1617) Bad night (432)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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  (301): Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom http://tfl.nu/wuli
  Replies (11) Good night (2257) Bad night (365)
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  (315): View more from New York

  Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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  (315): Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised. http://tfl.nu/8j6k
  Replies (3) Good night (624) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?

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  (714): But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax? http://tfl.nu/2c3b
  Replies (10) Good night (699) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.

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  (724): Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though. http://tfl.nu/whvr
  Replies (2) Good night (753) Bad night (238) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.

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  (312): You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on. http://tfl.nu/wd3p
  Replies (5) Good night (1006) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.

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  (416): Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement. (416): NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada. http://tfl.nu/6stg
  Replies (6) Good night (1315) Bad night (191)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?

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  (954): I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested? http://tfl.nu/lmn2
  Replies (9) Good night (332) Bad night (1356) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.

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  (502): I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm. http://tfl.nu/jrsq
  Replies (5) Good night (937) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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  (608): I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory." http://tfl.nu/0nol
  Replies (7) Good night (2234) Bad night (332)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.

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  (920): We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/65r6
  Replies (1) Good night (641) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life

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  (608): Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life http://tfl.nu/ljpd
  Replies (15) Good night (531) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?

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  (815): My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday? http://tfl.nu/m0r9
  Replies (3) Good night (275) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.

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  (306): I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later. http://tfl.nu/c155
  Replies (3) Good night (765) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

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  (720): We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out. http://tfl.nu/ioyx
  Replies (3) Good night (672) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You left wolverine marks

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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  (910): You left wolverine marks (1-910): I'm somewhere between sorry and proud http://tfl.nu/d8w1
  Replies (2) Good night (1294) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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  (612): He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this. http://tfl.nu/vp0n
  Replies (10) Good night (2665) Bad night (239)
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  (408): View more from California

  We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.

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  (408): We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell. http://tfl.nu/gwk2
  Replies (6) Good night (1147) Bad night (250)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it

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  (573): Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it http://tfl.nu/6pfl
  Replies (4) Good night (745) Bad night (198) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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  (617): We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this. http://tfl.nu/dyzt
  Replies (8) Good night (1007) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex

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  (817): Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex http://tfl.nu/6b6a
  Replies (3) Good night (869) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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  (251): We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies. http://tfl.nu/6jxt
  Replies (5) Good night (1087) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.

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  (+44): I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy. http://tfl.nu/urw4
  Replies (4) Good night (464) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.

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  (732): I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities. http://tfl.nu/lb71
  Replies (4) Good night (995) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing

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  (661): Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing http://tfl.nu/34wv
  Replies (4) Good night (743) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

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  (469): I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way. http://tfl.nu/iucx
  Replies (4) Good night (323) Bad night (981) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked

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  (734): Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked http://tfl.nu/0uzi
  Replies (5) Good night (901) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.

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  (817): It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life. http://tfl.nu/h7k0
  Replies (7) Good night (349) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.

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  (469): Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg. http://tfl.nu/v8uq
  Replies (4) Good night (1051) Bad night (230) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is

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  (720): I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is http://tfl.nu/velj
  Replies (6) Good night (765) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
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  (286): View more from

  I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.

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  (286): I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face. http://tfl.nu/gle0
  Replies (9) Good night (518) Bad night (143) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.

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  (410): Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad. http://tfl.nu/fe6u
  Replies (12) Good night (318) Bad night (965) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween

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  (763): I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween http://tfl.nu/seas
  Replies (3) Good night (684) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.

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  (931): Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass. http://tfl.nu/ezy8
  Replies (10) Good night (1279) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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  (212): We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere. http://tfl.nu/afoi
  Replies (9) Good night (1521) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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  (832): after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations. http://tfl.nu/2l5l
  Replies (14) Good night (1330) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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  (216): I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex (216): Never mind I found pizza just bring sex http://tfl.nu/1kkn
  Replies (4) Good night (1586) Bad night (370)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Incredible.

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  (224): He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time. (847): Incredible. http://tfl.nu/oew8
  Replies (6) Good night (1139) Bad night (268)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.

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  (240): He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at. http://tfl.nu/i197
  Replies (5) Good night (550) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???

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  (312): OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY??? http://tfl.nu/50ou
  Replies (4) Good night (688) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .

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  (956): Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . . http://tfl.nu/ha2v
  Replies (11) Good night (385) Bad night (1260) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.

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  (719): your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well. http://tfl.nu/esbu
  Replies (5) Good night (929) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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  (832): I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung." http://tfl.nu/1h35
  Replies (14) Good night (1593) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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  (262): I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait! http://tfl.nu/9r4q
  Replies (10) Good night (2187) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.

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  (720): hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now. http://tfl.nu/pc1n
  Replies (8) Good night (1344) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.

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  (309): note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never. http://tfl.nu/8ha6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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  (207): My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday. http://tfl.nu/r4jt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

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  (360): You fed me pizza off a sword last night. http://tfl.nu/xrl7
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  (518): View more from New York

  We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours

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  (518): We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours http://tfl.nu/zbw4
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.

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  (434): In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult. http://tfl.nu/0of3
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf

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  (775): Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf http://tfl.nu/s6jl
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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  (415): Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often. http://tfl.nu/cpju
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...

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  (919): I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going... http://tfl.nu/t999
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  (818): View more from California

  The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.

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  (818): The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it. http://tfl.nu/rmr6
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...

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  (469): I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom... http://tfl.nu/pwb7
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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  (780): I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people. http://tfl.nu/y8iw
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  (707): View more from California

  The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.

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  (707): The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down. http://tfl.nu/oe6m
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.

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  (561): I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/c2xb
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?

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  (313): Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing? http://tfl.nu/tcaq
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

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  (787): They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music http://tfl.nu/mg50
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  (518): View more from New York

  I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life

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  (518): I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life http://tfl.nu/wu65
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?

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  (519): Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break? http://tfl.nu/r3b8
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador

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  (907): Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador http://tfl.nu/015q
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.

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  (971): Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should. http://tfl.nu/ipz3
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

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  (202): You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself. http://tfl.nu/1zzq
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses

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  (802): I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses http://tfl.nu/9pm9
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.

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  (801): I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow. http://tfl.nu/o553
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.

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  (870): I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards. http://tfl.nu/javn
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.

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  (405): I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it. http://tfl.nu/f6bj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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  (732): Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out http://tfl.nu/mgiw
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.

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  (515): You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick. http://tfl.nu/jkbb
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.

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  (360): Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable. http://tfl.nu/uogv
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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  (479): Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success. http://tfl.nu/y7jz
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  (914): View more from New York

  I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts

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  (914): I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts http://tfl.nu/lyzo
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it

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  (425): I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it http://tfl.nu/rt0o
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

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  (630): All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun http://tfl.nu/y2l0
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham

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  (603): We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham http://tfl.nu/9szh
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  (818): View more from California

  Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.

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  (818): Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party. http://tfl.nu/8owu
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Not as covert as you thought huh?

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  (740): Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years (614): Not as covert as you thought huh? http://tfl.nu/u7wd
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.

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  (773): You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms. http://tfl.nu/8prv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.

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  (513): I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old. http://tfl.nu/lqlu
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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  (217): Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons. http://tfl.nu/9jo6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now

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  (604): Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now http://tfl.nu/0ski
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.

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  (847): Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra. http://tfl.nu/ud2y
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

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  (337): Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed. http://tfl.nu/ptzk
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me

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  (573): I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me http://tfl.nu/p784
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.

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  (801): Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight. http://tfl.nu/rr81
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.

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  (801): Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome. http://tfl.nu/egsw
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.

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  (734): In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups. http://tfl.nu/3nhq
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  (626): View more from California

  I reek of latex and grilled onions.

  (626): View more from California

  Mission accomplished.

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  (626): I reek of latex and grilled onions. (626): Mission accomplished. http://tfl.nu/k1oy
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...

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  (702): It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall... http://tfl.nu/3zyu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Marry him now.

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  (330): And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain (330): Marry him now. http://tfl.nu/1169
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!

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  (240): The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different! http://tfl.nu/rsm4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party

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  (617): She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party http://tfl.nu/crsc
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

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  (210): Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married. http://tfl.nu/tr6n
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.

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  (859): I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK. http://tfl.nu/lcdi
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners

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  (551): Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners http://tfl.nu/77j3
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  (518): View more from New York

  You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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  (518): You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with http://tfl.nu/vbdb
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

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  (781): Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god http://tfl.nu/k2hb
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  (253): View more from Washington

  For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

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  (253): For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo. http://tfl.nu/ryca
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  started my period, we have to try again next week

  (1-770): View more from Georgia

  if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint

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  (770): started my period, we have to try again next week (1-770): if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint http://tfl.nu/4qkj
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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  (202): To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned. http://tfl.nu/z20l
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you

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  (636): I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you http://tfl.nu/1ybh
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We can Fuck in the shower to save time

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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  (262): We can Fuck in the shower to save time (1-262): And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative. http://tfl.nu/wr55
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"

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  (817): I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV" http://tfl.nu/rps9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.

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  (614): They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart. http://tfl.nu/irli
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.

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  (440): Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great. http://tfl.nu/fk00
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  (805): View more from California

  Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job

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  (805): Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job http://tfl.nu/ohjc
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.

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  (517): Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals. http://tfl.nu/q6vr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

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  (917): Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays. http://tfl.nu/jpwh
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  (518): View more from New York

  Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.

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  (518): Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in. http://tfl.nu/0iat
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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  (828): It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it http://tfl.nu/e4ef
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.

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  (617): The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie. http://tfl.nu/3kb9
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"

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  (717): all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever" http://tfl.nu/t8bi
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.

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  (520): Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are. http://tfl.nu/sjk3
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  (805): View more from California

  I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace

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  (805): I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace http://tfl.nu/uk2m
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.

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  (720): THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT. http://tfl.nu/chrb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.

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  (513): Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now. http://tfl.nu/fv9l
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
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  (716): View more from New York

  definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

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  (716): definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush. http://tfl.nu/3ehj
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.

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  (630): She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love. http://tfl.nu/5dr3
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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  (708): Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything? (1-708): Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference. http://tfl.nu/anav
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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  (817): Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud. http://tfl.nu/pgi9
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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  (765): So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor. http://tfl.nu/2e0y
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.

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  (414): I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest. http://tfl.nu/z09j
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning

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  (336): Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning http://tfl.nu/no2z
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this

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  (413): I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this http://tfl.nu/znqy
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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  (479): Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom. http://tfl.nu/7rpj
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