Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."