I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.