I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dating After Heartbreak
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
two words: eviction party
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?