Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Be still, my beating vagina.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he puts the penis in happiness.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids