The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I will die if light touches me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Its about making memories worth repressing
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She's like a pop up book from hell.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere