Texts From Last Night

kendramclean44's Favorites Texts:

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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

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  (215): they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness http://tfl.nu/sk3k
  Replies (3) Good night (1311) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
  Replies (12) Good night (3551) Bad night (538)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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  (248): If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend. http://tfl.nu/2nlp
  Replies (2) Good night (1888) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

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  (302): Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate http://tfl.nu/9c8c
  Replies (2) Good night (723) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

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  (214): You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS. http://tfl.nu/zazd
  Replies (1) Good night (1348) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.

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  (812): the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica. http://tfl.nu/fg5p
  Replies (4) Good night (773) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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  (775): Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy http://tfl.nu/2l3y
  Replies (5) Good night (1136) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She told me I should be a condom model.

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  (631): She told me I should be a condom model. http://tfl.nu/0ukw
  Replies (14) Good night (6862) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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  (905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced. http://tfl.nu/b7p5
  Replies (12) Good night (2710) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

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  (610): I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM http://tfl.nu/hx9z
  Replies (22) Good night (1215) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.

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  (479): Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question. http://tfl.nu/6lny
  Replies (6) Good night (735) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today

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  (423): can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today http://tfl.nu/jv97
  Replies (3) Good night (764) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life

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  (858): It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life http://tfl.nu/86aw
  Replies (6) Good night (450) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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  (805): My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit. http://tfl.nu/alyo
  Replies (9) Good night (1699) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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  (510): Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious. http://tfl.nu/ftps
  Replies (3) Good night (1307) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

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  (248): You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection http://tfl.nu/50lp
  Replies (6) Good night (1164) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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  (325): Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul. http://tfl.nu/ljpv
  Replies (8) Good night (1192) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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  (312): Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/u7b7
  Replies (2) Good night (1125) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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  (937): Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual http://tfl.nu/83u7
  Replies (3) Good night (848) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
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  (002): View more from

  There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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  (002): There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink http://tfl.nu/tsjq
  Replies (8) Good night (1612) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

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  (435): If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me. http://tfl.nu/35sp
  Replies (11) Good night (1941) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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  (304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow http://tfl.nu/l8ph
  Replies (10) Good night (3795) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  No...this little piggys going to the bar

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  (818): No...this little piggys going to the bar http://tfl.nu/e3y1
  Replies (5) Good night (1489) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.

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  (206): Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open. http://tfl.nu/s990
  Replies (8) Good night (1818) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.

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  (480): Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous. http://tfl.nu/druq
  Replies (3) Good night (1248) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.

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  (316): It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina. http://tfl.nu/v1d1
  Replies (13) Good night (1506) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.

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  (608): Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice. http://tfl.nu/it3i
  Replies (4) Good night (405) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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  (323): Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking. http://tfl.nu/kzzf
  Replies (1) Good night (1333) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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  (416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk
  Replies (77) Good night (7657) Bad night (4269) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.

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  (337): Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one. http://tfl.nu/xgt0
  Replies (1) Good night (990) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

  (360): View more from Washington

  It was me.

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  (360): Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who. (360): It was me. http://tfl.nu/kgk9
  Replies (3) Good night (2525) Bad night (347)
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  (925): View more from California

  the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".

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  (925): the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes". http://tfl.nu/fxx0
  Replies (11) Good night (1371) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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  (248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
  Replies (12) Good night (3091) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.

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  (806): How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking. http://tfl.nu/9w1c
  Replies (11) Good night (3926) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with

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  (518): At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with http://tfl.nu/oe7q
  Replies (13) Good night (857) Bad night (3636) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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  (650): I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar. http://tfl.nu/ituj
  Replies (12) Good night (4615) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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  (713): That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes. http://tfl.nu/7uvj
  Replies (10) Good night (1279) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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  (501): if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church http://tfl.nu/2izr
  Replies (15) Good night (1677) Bad night (2239) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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  (936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy. http://tfl.nu/jygh
  Replies (15) Good night (6307) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious

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  (918): It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious http://tfl.nu/z2uj
  Replies (7) Good night (945) Bad night (2291) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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  (617): FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day http://tfl.nu/h5lz
  Replies (8) Good night (2141) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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  (469): I can feel my moral fiber fraying. http://tfl.nu/8494
  Replies (2) Good night (1166) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Agreed.

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  (303): There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree? (1-303): Agreed. http://tfl.nu/l0rd
  Replies (7) Good night (1251) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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  (913): come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up. http://tfl.nu/dd2l
  Replies (10) Good night (4429) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.

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  (954): you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid. http://tfl.nu/mqq2
  Replies (5) Good night (3713) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?

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  (352): Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose? http://tfl.nu/yztp
  Replies (23) Good night (4607) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
  Replies (6) Good night (5447) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

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  (512): everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf http://tfl.nu/ndyg
  Replies (26) Good night (705) Bad night (5216) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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  (978): The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous http://tfl.nu/iens
  Replies (15) Good night (5212) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09

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  (347): The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09 http://tfl.nu/7ioy
  Replies (3) Good night (804) Bad night (4151) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.

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  (215): I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka. http://tfl.nu/sqs3
  Replies (5) Good night (962) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.

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  (856): its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer. (978): college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you. http://tfl.nu/udtk
  Replies (45) Good night (4419) Bad night (964)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away

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  (763): My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away http://tfl.nu/xlij
  Replies (5) Good night (1893) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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  (908): But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes http://tfl.nu/c86w
  Replies (24) Good night (3212) Bad night (525)
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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  (416): If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay. http://tfl.nu/09z9
  Replies (10) Good night (1999) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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  (504): I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation http://tfl.nu/lbqv
  Replies (22) Good night (1365) Bad night (3100) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life

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  (214): Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life http://tfl.nu/rhcn
  Replies (3) Good night (443) Bad night (1414)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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  (616): At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head http://tfl.nu/if7o
  Replies (4) Good night (1467) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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  (215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt
  Replies (48) Good night (12521) Bad night (1426) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better

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  (519): I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better http://tfl.nu/3fte
  Replies (12) Good night (1119) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

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  (360): afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep. http://tfl.nu/xylt
  Replies (52) Good night (1467) Bad night (7968) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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  (512): I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now. http://tfl.nu/d3l4
  Replies (5) Good night (2991) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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  (321): Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today http://tfl.nu/s99h
  Replies (2) Good night (2109) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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  (770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too. http://tfl.nu/c8jr
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.

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  (504): Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon. http://tfl.nu/mwyy
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.

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  (615): His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary. http://tfl.nu/s0bc
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser

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  (201): surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser http://tfl.nu/4p89
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I will die if light touches me.

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  (206): I will die if light touches me. http://tfl.nu/jner
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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  (814): What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged http://tfl.nu/ocss
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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  (410): I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral. http://tfl.nu/e026
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  He looks like he'd be great Lego character.

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  (864): He looks like he'd be great Lego character. http://tfl.nu/ysvh
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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  (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good. http://tfl.nu/sjs5
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  (323): View more from California

  Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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  (323): Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong. http://tfl.nu/sxrt
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  (562): View more from California

  hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

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  (562): hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available http://tfl.nu/v31e
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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  (520): Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust. http://tfl.nu/b11e
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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  (817): You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go http://tfl.nu/d1mz
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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  (402): Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard. http://tfl.nu/co7z
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  (360): View more from Washington

  thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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  (360): thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking http://tfl.nu/sj60
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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  (702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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  (703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically http://tfl.nu/zfwj
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights

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  (518): I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights http://tfl.nu/wcuo
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.

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  (850): I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did. http://tfl.nu/zdnh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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  (732): I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body! http://tfl.nu/a54s
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

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  (401): I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes" http://tfl.nu/jvdp
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  (650): View more from California

  Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

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  (650): Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss http://tfl.nu/9lml
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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  (352): I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last http://tfl.nu/oknv
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you

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  (602): Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you http://tfl.nu/ckem
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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  (724): he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR http://tfl.nu/mrnu
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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  (708): We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something. http://tfl.nu/qsay
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  (607): View more from New York

  Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?

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  (607): Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be? http://tfl.nu/nsuv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer

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  (201): we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer http://tfl.nu/68pg
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.

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  (229): It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing. http://tfl.nu/o6in
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm eating all of the evidence.

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  (716): I'm eating all of the evidence. http://tfl.nu/m4yn
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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  (267): I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight http://tfl.nu/859p
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i would one night stand the shit outta him

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  (443): i would one night stand the shit outta him http://tfl.nu/aljg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night

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  (214): My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night http://tfl.nu/co3c
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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  (325): Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms. http://tfl.nu/9ede
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  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
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  (818): View more from California

  Its about making memories worth repressing

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  (818): Its about making memories worth repressing http://tfl.nu/5fiw
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby

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  (812): I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby http://tfl.nu/u8rx
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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  (250): I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying http://tfl.nu/ewgt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'

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  (334): i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified' http://tfl.nu/dnlw
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  (716): View more from New York

  She's like a pop up book from hell.

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  (716): She's like a pop up book from hell. http://tfl.nu/grf5
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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  (904): Champagne is a vitamin, right? http://tfl.nu/gkox
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Are my feet made of real feet?

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  (740): Are my feet made of real feet? http://tfl.nu/dext
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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  (330): How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle? http://tfl.nu/4cgb
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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  (843): I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that http://tfl.nu/xola
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.

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  (732): She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot. http://tfl.nu/el8s
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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  (202): There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again. http://tfl.nu/5erg
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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  (708): Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life. http://tfl.nu/mhw6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

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  (970): She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/2nbx
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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  (717): you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats. http://tfl.nu/2ggd
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.

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  (423): Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows. http://tfl.nu/mbnt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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  (502): I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever. http://tfl.nu/bzzy
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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  (517): I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm? http://tfl.nu/cxi2
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game

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  (864): we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game http://tfl.nu/6o4z
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
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  (707): View more from California

  Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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  (707): Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god http://tfl.nu/bbiq
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  (972): View more from Texas

  About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.

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  (972): About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised. http://tfl.nu/d2m0
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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  (219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair. http://tfl.nu/a313
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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  (+61): i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history.. http://tfl.nu/iskw
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.

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  (513): Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night. http://tfl.nu/vga8
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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  (847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light. http://tfl.nu/vezf
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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  (360): i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical http://tfl.nu/7e1z
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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  (980): Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened" http://tfl.nu/41rs
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story

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  (816): If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story http://tfl.nu/6mc2
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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  (630): Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren. http://tfl.nu/fimu
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  (713): View more from Texas

  do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

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  (713): do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister? http://tfl.nu/m4fg
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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  (919): No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/9kp9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?

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  (703): Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday? http://tfl.nu/wnf1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
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  (813): View more from Florida

  My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars

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  (813): My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars http://tfl.nu/ok6n
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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  (512): I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured. http://tfl.nu/n2gu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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  (708): I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving. http://tfl.nu/rym8
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

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  (580): And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities. http://tfl.nu/eu72
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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  (724): Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex. http://tfl.nu/opu2
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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  (503): I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions.. http://tfl.nu/v6no
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.

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  (406): i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine. http://tfl.nu/dm6s
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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  (807): If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right http://tfl.nu/lb7z
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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  (260): apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much" http://tfl.nu/w7s7
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  (806): View more from Texas

  For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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  (806): For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so. http://tfl.nu/nluj
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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  (778): It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman. http://tfl.nu/chx9
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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  (606): Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens http://tfl.nu/90cr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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  (617): On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7 http://tfl.nu/lyiq
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  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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  (937): That's science, my friend. Boner science. http://tfl.nu/d39q
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  (954): View more from Florida

  malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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  (954): malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away http://tfl.nu/rorw
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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  (304): You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar. http://tfl.nu/zoyd
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  (315): View more from New York

  yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...

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  (315): yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms... http://tfl.nu/res2
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  (619): View more from California

  It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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  (619): It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/0yym
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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  (816): Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again http://tfl.nu/gicy
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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  (503): I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job. http://tfl.nu/hof0
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

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  (217): This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates. http://tfl.nu/zki5
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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  (910): He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel. http://tfl.nu/qsvc
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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  (402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being... http://tfl.nu/xmjx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles

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  (978): Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles http://tfl.nu/8ba6
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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  (301): we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos" http://tfl.nu/vb8d
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?

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  (416): Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time? http://tfl.nu/chq4
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  (+03): View more from

  Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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  (+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here' http://tfl.nu/86hi
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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  (780): She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile. http://tfl.nu/gnnf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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  (401): Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life" http://tfl.nu/0dy4
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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  (440): she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2. http://tfl.nu/9o14
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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  (954): I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears. http://tfl.nu/6ckb
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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  (484): we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed. http://tfl.nu/819f
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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  (513): I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear. http://tfl.nu/d8gq
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  (914): View more from New York

  We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.

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  (914): We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night. http://tfl.nu/ey4f
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.

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  (814): the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently. http://tfl.nu/7dnx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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  (303): I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it. http://tfl.nu/jr23
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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  (708): I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them http://tfl.nu/hbhk
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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  (250): I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you. http://tfl.nu/p3o8
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  (925): View more from California

  i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on

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  (925): i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on http://tfl.nu/khmy
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere

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  (617): I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere http://tfl.nu/b03s
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