There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
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with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses