Texts From Last Night

hammer1316's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now. http://tfl.nu/p8mk
  Replies (6) Good night (3147) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again... http://tfl.nu/xp70
  Replies (3) Good night (2080) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
  Replies (55) Good night (21359) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date http://tfl.nu/sjjn
  Replies (19) Good night (5066) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
  Replies (8) Good night (1596) Bad night (4248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical. http://tfl.nu/ictl
  Replies (19) Good night (4559) Bad night (1108) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform." http://tfl.nu/nw1x
  Replies (11) Good night (5245) Bad night (735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it. http://tfl.nu/3d6t
  Replies (14) Good night (4355) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups http://tfl.nu/m0gn
  Replies (2) Good night (2629) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
  Replies (31) Good night (10043) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj
  Replies (16) Good night (4501) Bad night (1933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (254): View more from Texas

  In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (254): In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/fy1k
  Replies (8) Good night (2814) Bad night (1098) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
  Replies (17) Good night (8497) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve http://tfl.nu/02r5
  Replies (12) Good night (3669) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
  Replies (14) Good night (5153) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways http://tfl.nu/010i
  Replies (14) Good night (1155) Bad night (4868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf
  Replies (4) Good night (6349) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night http://tfl.nu/lokc
  Replies (29) Good night (3818) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/jjii
  Replies (14) Good night (3694) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him. http://tfl.nu/xqld
  Replies (30) Good night (5596) Bad night (1803) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life. http://tfl.nu/mba1
  Replies (18) Good night (3169) Bad night (2392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
  Replies (12) Good night (6448) Bad night (1735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
  Replies (14) Good night (1533) Bad night (7088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (226): View more from Ontario

  I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (226): I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop. http://tfl.nu/0sxf
  Replies (4) Good night (3346) Bad night (958)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat http://tfl.nu/vugk
  Replies (8) Good night (3386) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist. http://tfl.nu/mma2
  Replies (35) Good night (4370) Bad night (1136)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them. http://tfl.nu/lphx
  Replies (12) Good night (3462) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake" http://tfl.nu/m7yz
  Replies (12) Good night (3075) Bad night (1420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick http://tfl.nu/3g66
  Replies (10) Good night (5876) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer. http://tfl.nu/9xay
  Replies (11) Good night (3313) Bad night (1936) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
  Replies (14) Good night (5535) Bad night (890)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
  Replies (22) Good night (5377) Bad night (1303) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool. http://tfl.nu/hylh
  Replies (4) Good night (3796) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me. http://tfl.nu/a0xa
  Replies (19) Good night (2217) Bad night (5807) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level http://tfl.nu/5gsk
  Replies (8) Good night (2842) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690
  Replies (48) Good night (4040) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You know i think she's just using me for sex

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  I hate you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): You know i think she's just using me for sex (1-608): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/pxkn
  Replies (13) Good night (5366) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  how could i say no?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka? (1-513): how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/1o9r
  Replies (28) Good night (6282) Bad night (1528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games http://tfl.nu/74pd
  Replies (18) Good night (4077) Bad night (1156) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky. http://tfl.nu/on0b
  Replies (17) Good night (5525) Bad night (1363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8
  Replies (17) Good night (1983) Bad night (4190) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs. http://tfl.nu/xx6g
  Replies (39) Good night (5183) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated. http://tfl.nu/8q5f
  Replies (10) Good night (2919) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
  Replies (43) Good night (14863) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1589) Bad night (4162)
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him. http://tfl.nu/c2pz
  Replies (12) Good night (6322) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl http://tfl.nu/ed1u
  Replies (24) Good night (827) Bad night (6224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY http://tfl.nu/b20j
  Replies (14) Good night (6665) Bad night (1127) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/d944
  Replies (23) Good night (5373) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself. http://tfl.nu/i4wo
  Replies (14) Good night (1638) Bad night (5610)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
  Replies (23) Good night (7694) Bad night (1102) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (31) Good night (14740) Bad night (1575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
  Replies (13) Good night (5719) Bad night (924) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
  Replies (28) Good night (13053) Bad night (1834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you. http://tfl.nu/abkv
  Replies (15) Good night (832) Bad night (3336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

  (1-516): View more from New York

  did you bang her?

  (516): View more from New York

  seriously?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor (1-516): did you bang her? (516): seriously? http://tfl.nu/fyme
  Replies (25) Good night (1763) Bad night (6171)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride. http://tfl.nu/wwvv
  Replies (10) Good night (1040) Bad night (3639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (67) Good night (12670) Bad night (2168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe
  Replies (53) Good night (10832) Bad night (1192)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6
  Replies (26) Good night (5951) Bad night (3538)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  This beer is not sobering me up at all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): This beer is not sobering me up at all http://tfl.nu/2fz8
  Replies (13) Good night (7561) Bad night (1001) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name. http://tfl.nu/eftw
  Replies (5) Good night (3105) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Personally I think it's a tremendous investment

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment (757): Personally I think it's a tremendous investment http://tfl.nu/ikjn
  Replies (8) Good night (2715) Bad night (682)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice. http://tfl.nu/2mv5
  Replies (11) Good night (879) Bad night (3262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3
  Replies (13) Good night (5568) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
  Replies (27) Good night (11380) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
  Replies (21) Good night (8705) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before. http://tfl.nu/vbyg
  Replies (16) Good night (5124) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2 http://tfl.nu/hna9
  Replies (9) Good night (1377) Bad night (2861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded. http://tfl.nu/owwz
  Replies (30) Good night (4815) Bad night (3717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
  Replies (17) Good night (5535) Bad night (1098)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't. http://tfl.nu/mosr
  Replies (12) Good night (4425) Bad night (985) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
  Replies (40) Good night (11521) Bad night (1102)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty
  Replies (17) Good night (10156) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q
  Replies (17) Good night (6154) Bad night (1045) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
  Replies (35) Good night (12255) Bad night (1053) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14689) Bad night (1246) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
  Replies (47) Good night (11511) Bad night (2162) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark. http://tfl.nu/009s
  Replies (44) Good night (7435) Bad night (1934) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving' http://tfl.nu/j3uq
  Replies (25) Good night (3693) Bad night (1079) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it. http://tfl.nu/6y9b
  Replies (36) Good night (5595) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr
  Replies (11) Good night (5155) Bad night (1456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u
  Replies (21) Good night (5123) Bad night (895)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce http://tfl.nu/xuim
  Replies (32) Good night (4018) Bad night (1770) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just said the magic words

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE. (610): You just said the magic words http://tfl.nu/8k47
  Replies (24) Good night (5657) Bad night (918)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Perfectly normal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy
  Replies (15) Good night (6406) Bad night (883)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173003) Bad night (6894) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out (1-860): Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins http://tfl.nu/pc38
  Replies (34) Good night (1563) Bad night (4157)
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties. http://tfl.nu/3p0b
  Replies (32) Good night (7540) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
  Replies (44) Good night (8167) Bad night (1292) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part. http://tfl.nu/1dsi
  Replies (28) Good night (7872) Bad night (1138) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud? (262): Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing http://tfl.nu/ndin
  Replies (20) Good night (6005) Bad night (880)
• Favorite

  (+47): View more from Norway

  i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+47): i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls http://tfl.nu/1fkx
  Replies (48) Good night (10408) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
  Replies (27) Good night (5779) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
  Replies (26) Good night (9606) Bad night (981)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more. http://tfl.nu/r5mk
  Replies (6) Good night (6676) Bad night (1426)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"! http://tfl.nu/t4t6
  Replies (15) Good night (3712) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay. http://tfl.nu/hfdj
  Replies (19) Good night (10425) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
  Replies (44) Good night (5074) Bad night (1127)
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5
  Replies (28) Good night (5025) Bad night (1661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public? http://tfl.nu/9yr1
  Replies (33) Good night (1456) Bad night (4474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
  Replies (46) Good night (9509) Bad night (1256)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing http://tfl.nu/j7xf
  Replies (26) Good night (5581) Bad night (1417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou
  Replies (39) Good night (6281) Bad night (2722) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
  Replies (43) Good night (16740) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
  Replies (41) Good night (16607) Bad night (2164) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v
  Replies (42) Good night (19398) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules. http://tfl.nu/ttz2
  Replies (26) Good night (7856) Bad night (1196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (51) Good night (17101) Bad night (1385)
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
  Replies (26) Good night (8376) Bad night (1238)
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her? http://tfl.nu/cyj5
  Replies (23) Good night (1681) Bad night (4041) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
  Replies (70) Good night (13018) Bad night (5279)