Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.