She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im just a social blackout drinker.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day