I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
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I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
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My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
hotties wanna shake it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just pynch a tree in the face
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.