sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
