I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?