Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
its not stalking. its research.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm really into asian looking animals
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.