just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
a search helicopter?!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!