so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
