it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
what if I'm pregnant?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she peed on how many people?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?