i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
