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There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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