Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...