My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dating After Heartbreak
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.