He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
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How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down