I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i came on her dog
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar