Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.