the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We talked him into tasing himself.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
no you cant smoke seaweed
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.