So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"