you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it glows. i had to have it.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".