Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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