i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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