I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We named our party play list daddy issues
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You really coming over, don't trick.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can text with my tongue
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Already got asked if we're dating
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You can't motorboat a personality
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sarcasm needs its own font
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?