Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
