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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so explain again why im purple
no
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
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