I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Please, let me fuck your mom