Texts From Last Night

ratitatpat's Favorites Texts:

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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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  (765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp
  Replies (30) Good night (8666) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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  (631): stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back. http://tfl.nu/3ip5
  Replies (24) Good night (6016) Bad night (800)
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  (631): View more from New York

  Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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  (631): Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/6w08
  Replies (9) Good night (825) Bad night (3519) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
  Replies (70) Good night (9726) Bad night (601)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

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  (662): Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45. http://tfl.nu/maq6
  Replies (40) Good night (6126) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.

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  (214): I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off. http://tfl.nu/qpy6
  Replies (38) Good night (354) Bad night (4082) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Four. Poor grandma...

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  (403): I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught. (403): Four. Poor grandma... http://tfl.nu/klxl
  Replies (15) Good night (981) Bad night (5387)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.

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  (914): I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box. http://tfl.nu/rmin
  Replies (22) Good night (5467) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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  (513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog
  Replies (28) Good night (1393) Bad night (5227)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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  (405): I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters http://tfl.nu/onkh
  Replies (20) Good night (772) Bad night (3730) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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  (253): oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body. (1-253): I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate. http://tfl.nu/e4ca
  Replies (71) Good night (5257) Bad night (326)
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  (+26): View more from

  Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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  (+26): Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY http://tfl.nu/9qwj
  Replies (30) Good night (6633) Bad night (2010) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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  (606): That's why Kanye is a gay fish. http://tfl.nu/hy3e
  Replies (103) Good night (7990) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
  Replies (70) Good night (4790) Bad night (9194) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.

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  (413): Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke. http://tfl.nu/75mi
  Replies (48) Good night (2099) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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  (585): I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine http://tfl.nu/d7kh
  Replies (12) Good night (626) Bad night (6083) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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  (972): **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS** http://tfl.nu/fjtm
  Replies (58) Good night (1446) Bad night (3936) Order T-Shirt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

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  (709): I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning http://tfl.nu/z1rc
  Replies (9) Good night (2538) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

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  (567): i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style http://tfl.nu/1r2g
  Replies (24) Good night (1449) Bad night (4587) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.

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  (214): I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina. http://tfl.nu/q4iw
  Replies (56) Good night (3398) Bad night (1508) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.

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  (201): I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom. http://tfl.nu/i9mn
  Replies (10) Good night (262) Bad night (1696) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

  (206): View more from Washington

  ?

  (360): View more from Washington

  he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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  (360): i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man (206): ? (360): he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH! http://tfl.nu/k0fi
  Replies (27) Good night (3766) Bad night (424)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

  (646): View more from New York

  Lmao what?

  (917): View more from New York City

  It's a yes or no question.

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  (917): She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms? (646): Lmao what? (917): It's a yes or no question. http://tfl.nu/ypn0
  Replies (20) Good night (4531) Bad night (774)
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  (516): View more from New York

  i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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  (516): i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk http://tfl.nu/o6oo
  Replies (63) Good night (9085) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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  (404): I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that? http://tfl.nu/s882
  Replies (56) Good night (7325) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.

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  (937): Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me. http://tfl.nu/bzyr
  Replies (49) Good night (627) Bad night (6421) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Ohh that happened after I started to cry.

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  (604): I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous? (778): Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely. (604): Ohh that happened after I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/giil
  Replies (14) Good night (665) Bad night (4221)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?

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  (904): Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out (1-904): How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction? http://tfl.nu/euyr
  Replies (8) Good night (1437) Bad night (600)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them

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  (989): there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them http://tfl.nu/hqud
  Replies (4) Good night (745) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
  Replies (44) Good night (17199) Bad night (665)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".

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  (803): I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today". http://tfl.nu/w2r4
  Replies (111) Good night (879) Bad night (12962) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away

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  (515): How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away<? http://tfl.nu/gea4
  Replies (21) Good night (444) Bad night (2637) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers

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  (616): U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers http://tfl.nu/yb16
  Replies (4) Good night (411) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he should get drunk with us

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  (610): walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant (1-610): he should get drunk with us http://tfl.nu/datt
  Replies (20) Good night (4918) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.

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  (815): i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed. http://tfl.nu/wp0k
  Replies (68) Good night (566) Bad night (9432) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

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  (310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand.. http://tfl.nu/3e9c
  Replies (28) Good night (897) Bad night (5573) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

  (1-765): View more from Indiana

  The power was out.

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  (765): Why are you ignoring all of my texts? (1-765): The power was out. http://tfl.nu/9x7x
  Replies (17) Good night (916) Bad night (3879) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  saw you walking with that piece of shit

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  and that piece of shit just read that

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  (215): saw you walking with that piece of shit (267): and that piece of shit just read that http://tfl.nu/lre4
  Replies (24) Good night (1045) Bad night (5690)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?

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  (352): Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose? http://tfl.nu/yztp
  Replies (23) Good night (4452) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
  Replies (35) Good night (28683) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I heard you threw up in your lap?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  I heard that too.

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  (541): I heard you threw up in your lap? (1-541): I heard that too. http://tfl.nu/s86w
  Replies (9) Good night (1346) Bad night (3407) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  yes! wait why?

  (240): View more from Maryland

  because i found it in my pocket this morning...

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  (240): were you wearing a green and blue thong last night? (301): yes! wait why? (240): because i found it in my pocket this morning... http://tfl.nu/rs9c
  Replies (39) Good night (10905) Bad night (533)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..

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  (307): I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie.. http://tfl.nu/boas
  Replies (15) Good night (4921) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

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  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
  Replies (41) Good night (1789) Bad night (4847)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  okay pat passed out under dana's car

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  (719): okay pat passed out under dana's car http://tfl.nu/6rx3
  Replies (3) Good night (581) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (90) Good night (23646) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

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  (615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN? http://tfl.nu/nemo
  Replies (9) Good night (2816) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
  Replies (254) Good night (3817) Bad night (77577) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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  (727): what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway http://tfl.nu/b3sf
  Replies (23) Good night (2021) Bad night (6729) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops

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  (978): Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops http://tfl.nu/wqmx
  Replies (45) Good night (4142) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker

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  (917): fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker http://tfl.nu/ivhi
  Replies (22) Good night (888) Bad night (3239) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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  (732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck http://tfl.nu/y61e
  Replies (35) Good night (745) Bad night (5971) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  so then she threw up in his asshole

  (1-231): View more from Michigan

  yep..that'll do it.

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  (231): so then she threw up in his asshole (1-231): yep..that'll do it. http://tfl.nu/f3qy
  Replies (15) Good night (399) Bad night (4146) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..

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  (325): i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits.. http://tfl.nu/taa7
  Replies (24) Good night (374) Bad night (2097) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.

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  (586): We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances. http://tfl.nu/gxxu
  Replies (11) Good night (917) Bad night (3682) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.

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  (214): My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes. http://tfl.nu/jl4m
  Replies (72) Good night (6320) Bad night (1239) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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  (757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work http://tfl.nu/0keb
  Replies (20) Good night (4773) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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  (406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns. http://tfl.nu/ywpq
  Replies (42) Good night (6110) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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  (360): If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever. http://tfl.nu/xm2c
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  How wet are you?

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  Ever heard of a U-boat?

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  (908): How wet are you? (1-908): Ever heard of a U-boat? http://tfl.nu/c25g
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Why are we friends again?

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  (973): New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out.. (1-973): Why are we friends again? http://tfl.nu/4ygf
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

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  (416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro! http://tfl.nu/k0oj
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.

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  (207): Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit. http://tfl.nu/u5bn
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  (518): View more from New York

  Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

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  (518): Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle http://tfl.nu/ebj2
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

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  (319): Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's? http://tfl.nu/rb01
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.

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  (520): Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out. http://tfl.nu/rjf8
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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  (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now http://tfl.nu/4qek
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.

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  (313): That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve. http://tfl.nu/vdk5
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

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  (207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid. http://tfl.nu/67sh
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  (206): View more from Washington

  imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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  (206): imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk. (206): Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy. http://tfl.nu/ynk1
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.

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  (901): Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome. http://tfl.nu/dlib
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  (512): View more from Texas

  clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.

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  (512): clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar. http://tfl.nu/1hcy
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

  (1-636): View more from Missouri

  when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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  (636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you (1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced http://tfl.nu/5nrz
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

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  (202): if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision. http://tfl.nu/8vkq
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  HE'S 26!!!

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  (208): His mom took away his car and made him quit his job. (1-208): HE'S 26!!! http://tfl.nu/2fqd
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.

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  (417): No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times. http://tfl.nu/xlrm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good

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  (512): Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good http://tfl.nu/r9g3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

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  (617): So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus? http://tfl.nu/bsxq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward

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  (303): Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward http://tfl.nu/vm30
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  (424): View more from California

  I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed

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  (424): I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed http://tfl.nu/t74f
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  (772): View more from Florida

  i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"

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  (772): i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?" http://tfl.nu/6u9j
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.

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  (940): Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost. http://tfl.nu/jz6g
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?

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  (406): she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again? http://tfl.nu/5xp9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you want 1 or 2 eggos?

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  (617): i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions (617): you want 1 or 2 eggos? http://tfl.nu/kwdg
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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  (304): what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea? http://tfl.nu/0ytw
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.

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  (810): i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care. http://tfl.nu/2egt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.

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  (617): she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment. http://tfl.nu/vrz7
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?

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  (478): I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/kb80
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  (561): View more from Florida

  he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  you for real need to get over him dude

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  (561): he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore. (1-561): you for real need to get over him dude http://tfl.nu/fa43
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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  (847): my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news. http://tfl.nu/1uhd
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  (415): View more from California

  i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.

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  (415): i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break. http://tfl.nu/4rzb
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Used tampon in my purse. That from you?

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  (330): Used tampon in my purse. That from you? http://tfl.nu/lpyn
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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  (316): No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here. http://tfl.nu/05bz
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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  (204): this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol (1-204): you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on http://tfl.nu/g8v3
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.

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  (204): It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker. http://tfl.nu/sreq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  someone get that fucking seahorse.

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  (541): someone get that fucking seahorse. http://tfl.nu/vz56
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  (585): View more from New York

  My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

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  (585): My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life. http://tfl.nu/28dk
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...

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  (440): that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water... http://tfl.nu/dw5a
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me

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  (937): he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me http://tfl.nu/l4dj
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  (737): View more from Texas

  and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

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  (737): and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best" (303 ): I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas." http://tfl.nu/7cf3
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

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  (817): Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch. http://tfl.nu/y4b9
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  (650): View more from California

  Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

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  (650): Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight. http://tfl.nu/6biy
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  our cab driver is having phone sex.

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  (773): our cab driver is having phone sex. http://tfl.nu/18ax
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls

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  (203): Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls http://tfl.nu/wu3r
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.

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  (602): I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/z2qj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on

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  (847): cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on http://tfl.nu/ommd
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."

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  (214): Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15." http://tfl.nu/wu1w
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.

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  (905): just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped. http://tfl.nu/8nmk
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  (406): View more from Montana

  we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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  (406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting. http://tfl.nu/a3qg
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.

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  (403): she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that. http://tfl.nu/e222
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