I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she pinky promised me she was 18
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.