My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
