Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.