I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
