Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bring money and cleavage
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.