No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation